This is one of those over-due, thought-provoking posts that have nothing to do with…a boo, a Seven, a man, a woman, a love, a lust, a fuck, a fling, or a “nevermind I’d rather not talk about it”.
This has everything to do with the lives we choose to live. The closet lives of those who consume themselves’ with their own thoughts.
The depressed.
A text was right on time this morning…
GM bae… get out ur head.
Ashanti was on point, on time, and pretty fuckin’ accurate. I was very much in my head and obviously been pretty comfortable there for a few days. I apologize to my faithful viewers for the hiatus. And I thank God and His chosen Illyte for me still being here to post some thought-provoking shyt. I pray most read this and feel like they aren’t alone. I hope this reaches someone before their mind reaches them. I pray I save a life. If only one….
This is the part we cue the Sarah Mclachlan music.
I laugh… well maybe.. just …a smirk that would be laugh if this wasn’t real life. Life imitating art. The art of the pen, the keys I type. The beauty I write from within.
The Illyte showed up at my door this afternoon right on time to save a life of my own. The red strawberry soda, that I already find repulsive, stained the kitchen counter with powdered residue. It was the last of what was left in my fridge to drink. In my depressive stupor I hadn’t been to the grocery store to stock my fridge with the normal juices I prefer. I tend to cover all the bases.. apple juice, orange juice, grape, sometime a lil cran-grape… you get the picture. All I had left was the memories of left over strawberry soda to chase my latest mistakes with.
I had to toss the emptied capsules in the trash so Illyte wouldn’t see what I have done, tried to do… what selfishness I was about to commit. Why bother telling him… he was right on time to save my life. I couldn’t help but to gag. Lithium spiked strawberry soda doesn’t taste so good. What was I thinking? Could over 3000mg of lithium even kill me anyway? Or would I just find myself laying in a hospital bed full of regret and ridiculing family that were bound to just say “see I told you that bitch was crazy… and selfish… and..” Lord only knows what else…
I gagged at the thought. The thought that I had a weakened mind, a moment in which I once believed I was too strong in faith to ever have. But we all falter. I owe my life to a knock at the door as I chug down the pasty, disgusting, chalky soda. By the third chug I heard my daughter’s voice outside my door. The Illyte always knows when to show up. The Illyte is… well just that
the elite.
God sent the elite. He sent Illyte.
Why do we feel the need to prematurely end a life that God has given? God gave us this life we choose to live. He also gave us free will to live how we choose. Therefore only God can determine when we leave. How could we betray the one that has given us life? How could I betray the life I was put on this Earth to create??
You see… suicide is a permanent choice. The thought alone should never be entertained. It’s not one of those decisions we wake up to regret in the morning with a hangover.
Oh our minds are the devil’s playground.
www.mghtepen.wordpress.com Silence is how he keeps us there. I am not ashamed of my weak moments. They are what make me strong at the end of the day. But what good is such strength when we cave at every weak moment that make us human?
Illyte looked puzzled at my sudden weakness in disbelief trying to wrap his head around a reason. A why? A how the hell..? A what made u..?
I told him I don’t belong here. It’s true. I never felt as if I belonged anywhere here on this Earth… this Hell on Earth ruled by all things the devil wants us to believe we can’t live without. The money, the sex, the drugs… because we all fall victim to self-medication. Most chase the fame, the materials that drive us to make the money for us to live beyond our means because the famous influence us to do so. This is the devil’s theme park and we are just going along for the ride.
I may come off shallow at first glance but I am far from it. My depths make me exhausted to the point that I would much rather look at fashion magazine than face the truth of this world. Everything “of this world” is not and will not be “of Our God”.
I don’t fit in… never have and I can face the fact that I never will. I am God’s creature, an angel that has lost her purpose. The devil has been very busy. I have chosen to live a life of solitude because of how busy I see he is. The negativity is everywhere… and it is suffocating. I couldn’t breathe.
I digress.
There is a reason why you don’t fit in. You aren’t supposed to. God has put you on this Earth to lead the lost, to influence the negative to see things brighter, to be magnificent in every way. What good is being amazing when you hide from the world? God did not create you to be hidden. He didn’t create you under a rock so come up from under it. You don’t fit in because you are extraordinary and extraordinary people won’t ever fit into a mediocre world. The special, the chosen, the great don’t belong or blend in… they stand out!
We must be careful of how we choose to live our lives. Whether you are Christian, Buddhist, Jewish, or even a non-believer that feels all this talk of God and the devil is just “weird and awkward” sounding, the truth is the truth. Some people just don’t belong here.
Love mE, hate mE, …call mE crazy. No matter how you feel..
I’m rEaL!
Femmina Fatale
Femme Fatalé 